When building an ideal life is the only way out

Life got a little crazy in the last two months since I got back to the US. Other than being busy looking for and working on remote jobs, I’m still making accessories, working on a project with my significant other, and developing some semblance of a marketing plan.

Yeah, I’m still trying to make money from home. In fact, I’ve decided to put even more effort and resources into it.

Now, I’ve spent 4 years doing that with nothing to show for it. Most would think I should give it up. Maybe a smarter person would have, too. But I’m stubborn and frankly, totally desperate. Building an ideal life seems to be the only way out for me.

My past influenced my present

Allow me to explain my desperation. I’m pretty sure I’ve brought it up before but things get lost in past posts. I used to juggle full-time employment and chronic depression… approximately a lifetime ago. I suffered a breakdown and intuited that continuing life that way would result in a rather unpleasant end for me. To put it simply, I was suicidal.

If you want to read about suicidal ideation, here’s something I wrote about what that feels like.

Now life wasn’t difficult for me in the typical sense. I had a manageable job that suited my temperament. I didn’t worry about debts and didn’t need to take care of anyone. But I was miserable anyway.

Depression aside, I don’t know how others aren’t more miserable. It just didn’t seem right to spend 40 years working only to grow old and die. Some people don’t even get to grow old. While others would grow old and die not having done the things they wanted to – cue Up.

So yeah, I’m your hippie-ish millennial.

But.

When I came here, I came here fully expecting to work and be normal. Except I… well I couldn’t land an administrative job, and I can’t bring myself to do retail jobs. That’s like asking someone who can’t swim to jump into the ocean. I grew up battling social anxiety. As much as I wanted to, there’s a huge psychological barrier between me and retail work.

Yes, yes. I should’ve seen it coming and I did. I just thought I could handle it if push comes to shove.

In a nutshell, that’s why I’m desperate to become my own boss. I don’t have the inspiring aspirational stories other entrepreneurs have. I only have sheer desperation born from existential depression and social anxiety.

And a love of creativity.

I caught a glimpse of an ideal life

I live really simply here. Since my friends are all thousands of miles away, there’s really no reason to go anywhere. As a result, I spent a lot of my time trying new things – and that’s how I got into blogging and making accessories. I really enjoy writing, but making accessories (chiefly earrings) is something I can do all the time.

Between 2020 to 2021, I pretty much divided my life into 7 parts: working, crafting, sleeping, eating, doing chores, exercising, and watching TV one night a week. It’s a very simple existence. I made little but I had a tonne of peace and clarity. If I win the lottery grand prize, this would still be how I’ll want to live.

• Read about how to make room for mindfulness

I did say I’m a minimalist! The crafting part was extremely rewarding. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have thought that trying to sell what I made would be a viable business idea.

Building an ideal life. Why not?

Lately, I’ve been wondering if life is about taking what you have and working something out with it.

As worried as I’ve been, I do see that I have all the pieces I need to turn working from home, or becoming my own boss, into a reality. I didn’t have these pieces 4 years ago. But somehow, in the 4 years, I’ve learned a thing or two.

Instead of using 40 years to climb a ladder I’m not interested in and lack the disposition for, why am I not willing to use a fraction of it to (attempt to) build something of my own?

Granted, I may fail. I may fail spectacularly, miserably. But I have to try. Yup, I’m learning to become an entrepreneur.

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Langston Hughes

Let’s give it more time

To be honest, entrepreneurship isn’t my dream. I’m not that cool. But I do dream about being in control of my time while being financially independent. I do dream about doing what I love for a living. If it means I have to be an entrepreneur, so be it.

If I can pull this off, I’ll be living in accordance with my beliefs. A beautiful and worthy thing.

In retrospect, without all my psychological issues, I wouldn’t have been cornered so badly that this seems to be my only way out. So perhaps it was a good thing I’m such an idealistic and socially anxious person.

Whether it works out remains to be seen. But I intend to (kinda) document it here. Watch me fail, watch me stumble. Most of all, watch me learn. Or just drop in every now and then. It’s all good.

What about you? Are you building a life of your design? Or are you too overwhelmed to think about something like that? I think we’re never too old or too young to start, now is always a good time to start building an ideal life.

“Don’t let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.”Earl Nightingale

Thanks for reading!