Gratitude Journal Experiment: Week 5

I can’t believe I’m on week 5! In case you’re new, I’m doing 6 gratitude journal entries on my blog to see if it gets me more in touch with happiness. You can read more about how to do a gratitude journal here.

For each entry, I’m going to write 3 to 5 things that made me feel grateful during the week. Please note that I write my posts a week ahead of time so it may be a little outdated when it’s published!

Quiet Alone Time

My parents, my brother, and his family used to live in a busy apartment on a busy road. You can literally hear the bus stopping and opening its doors and the traffic that’s swooshing by constantly in the day.

On the other hand, my sister lived in a quiet neighborhood. At night, it’s so quiet you can hear the crickets chirping. There used to be toads too, a rare occurrence in a densely populated city. You could hear them when you walk past the fields, honking away. (That’s how they sound to me.) Sadly, they’ve since been replaced by more apartments.

Living in both types of environments taught me the difference a quieter environment makes. A quiet place helps me to quiet my thoughts, focus, and recharge. I am more patient and calm – an overall nicer person to be around because it serves my personality better.

Growing up, I’ve always had to share rooms with siblings or cousins. I think my record is sharing a space with three others. It definitely taught me how to get along with people, but the downside is, it’s difficult to find quiet alone time.

In general, Singaporeans have lesser personal space at home because of the smaller size of the apartments. So I feel we miss out on some mental development that happens best in solitude, like creativity. Sometimes, creativity needs space to express itself.

I come alive in a different way when I have the house to myself, or when everyone’s asleep. If you’re never alone, I highly recommend that you find some time and space to be alone and quiet every now and then.

I always relish some quiet time to myself. I’m lucky I have a room I can go to when I want to hear my thoughts or let my thoughts settle. Sometimes, I just focus on the silence and a deep calm and bliss come over me. Yup, it helps mindfulness.

I’m thankful for my quiet alone time.

Family

However, I understand that some people are alone all the time and are probably sick of being alone, so quiet alone time may fill them with dread. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve always been surrounded by wonderful family, whether in Singapore or here in America.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m a lot like a parasite. Since I don’t have my own place and I can’t seem to straighten myself out, I rely a lot on my family.

My siblings (my sister-in-law included) never hesitated to let me stay in their homes or let me join in for dinner. They’ve never turned me away even though they can and they won’t be in the wrong. In fact, my sister’s home is mine as well. I know I’ll always have a place to return to, and her kids are kind enough to not mind my presence.

And my luck extends to the other side of the world! Can you believe it? Anth’s mom is big-hearted as well. I cannot fathom why she accepts me even though I’m so evidently dysfunctional. And Anth reassures me all the time. He’s the one who encourages me to keep doing what I’m doing even though there aren’t any results yet.

It reminds me of nature. Even sloths have a place in this world, slow as they may be. They sleep 15 hours a day and move about 37 meters (0.02 miles) per day. Though they risk getting killed each time they relieve themselves, there’s a good chance of life, until humans came along and took away much of their habitat, that is. Otherwise, nature always provides for her creatures – productive or otherwise.

My family to me is like the trees to the sloths. Yes, I’m the sloth of the family. They’re always there for me when I need a roof or a meal, which, unfortunately, is all the time.

I’m trying to walk myself out of this maze called life and I hope I do it before my last shred of self-esteem and worth dissolves. I’m thankful for my beautiful and generous family for putting up with me, caring for me, and loving me when I couldn’t.

My hands

I’m petite, but I don’t have delicate hands. They’re small with large and knobby knuckles and perpetually dry because of my excessive handwashing.

I don’t know if my knuckles got so big because I love to crack them, or I was just born like that. Okay, it’s the latter. But I used to blame my brother for making my knuckles look ugly because he was the one who jumpstarted my knuckle-cracking habit. How? By grabbing my little fingers and cracking them while I squealed and struggled. Brothers are charming, aren’t they? It’s a fond memory though. I adore my brother.

So I used to be self-conscious about my hands. I thought they’re really ugly. These days, I’ve come to love them.

I enjoy putting them to work and love how they’re stronger than they look – I can open most jars and little spots of hot oil don’t bother them much. Also, I can type without looking at the keyboard, crochet, chop onions and scratch an itch! It may not be anything special, but hey, life without my hands would be extremely difficult.

I’ve never gotten a manicure, nor do I intend to get one. Not like there’s anything wrong with manicures, I’m just cheap and don’t like how my nails look malnourished when the polish comes off. I prefer them trimmed and naturally purplish-pink. They’re not soft modeling hands, but they’re mine and they help me so much in life. Thank you hands!

Emily’s post

I read Emily’s post about her struggles with low self-esteem. Though we have different backstories, we share similar struggles. Like her, I have very low self-worth and struggle to do things that seem to come easily for “regular” people.

The interesting thing is, we both can see that our low self-esteem arose from problems in the way our minds work. We know that there are ways to correct it, and we’re both working towards that. I admire her for that, shouldn’t I admire myself too? That’s the thing with low self-esteem, it’s easier to see good in others than in ourselves. I’m trying though.

I always knew that I’m not the only one with esteem and anxiety problems, unfortunately, but reading about her experience and struggles with similar problems confirmed that knowledge. So her post comforted me a great deal. Someone else feels that this world doesn’t seem to be made for people like us! That’s EXACTLY how I feel! There’s a great relief in that.

Knowing how much it sucks to struggle with low self-esteem, I wish she didn’t suffer from it. At the same time, I’m glad that someone understands what I’m going through.

I’m grateful to Emily for sharing her story. It’s definitely not something easy to share with the world. It’s because of her strength that I found immense comfort this week. So, thank you, Emily!

By now, I’ve realized that gratitude journal entries have a way of making me feel emotional. What’s something you’re grateful for this week? Please feel free to leave a comment! If you want to do a gratitude journal too, here are some tips for you!

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