Leaving Places

I’m due to return to Singapore soon because I want to spend Chinese New Year with my parents.

It makes me feel extremely troubled and scattered. There seem to be so many things on my mind – I’m having a hard time keeping my thoughts organized. I wonder what I should bring, what I should leave behind, I wonder how long I’ll be, I wonder what he’ll be eating when I’m not here.

I’ve grown very attached to Anth, who knew that’d be possible. We hang out all the time. Two bubbles sharing a space, each in his or her own mini world. Sometimes his world leaks into mine, sometimes I reach into his world to say hi. It’s an interesting coexistence. I’ve never enjoyed anyone’s presence so much.

I’m looking forward to seeing my family again, but leaving him hurts. And then when it’s time to leave my family, leaving them hurts. It saddens Anth when I leave, it hurts my parents when I leave. It’s beginning to seem like I leave sadness everywhere I go.

It feels like I did something wrong. I don’t know if everyone who left their native homes feel this way to a certain extent, or whether I’m over-reacting. Either way, it’s nasty. I feel a pull toward him, I feel a pull toward my family. Whichever pull I respond to, somebody gets sad.

I suppose I should be glad that my presence means something to my loved ones. Soon enough, we’ll all get used to me being around or away. Maybe then, they’ll know that no matter where I am, we’re never that far apart, because they’re always on my mind.