6 Mind Tricks For Kindness and A Peace of Mind
In the past, when I thought about kindness, I thought about being polite, smiling, doing something for someone, holding the door and so on. These are all great, but that may not be enough these days since we’re spending more time communicating behind screens and typed words than before.
I’ve noticed more clashes in ideas lately. I guess people feel freer to express themselves than they would’ve if they talked face-to-face. One badly thought-out comment could set off a spew of public outrage and cancellation.
I think it’s more important than ever that we’re kind in ways beyond actions.
I call these mind tricks because they happen in the mind. These are all ways to practice kindness without really doing anything for anyone. Yet they do wonders in creating a kinder environment.
#1 Be openminded and inclusive
First and foremost, I think one of the kindest things we can do is to be open-minded. We all have our set of beliefs, cultures, and preferences, and they’re different depending on our backgrounds. If I think I deserve respect and acceptance, why shouldn’t someone else’s beliefs/culture/preferences be respected too?
Just because we can’t understand why someone is a certain way doesn’t mean they’re wrong or bad. We’re just different. Then again, are we really different?
When I was 17 years old and extremely ignorant, I got to know this girl at work. She’s sweet and kind and has a scar on her chest from a childhood heart operation that did nothing to fizzle her bubbliness. She’d tell me her boyfriend troubles, and I’d listen.
One day, she told me that she’s a lesbian and her boyfriend’s really a girl. I was surprised that there was no indication at all – I was that silly. Growing up, I’ve never had opinions regarding homosexuality, but there was a sense of separation between them and heterosexuals.
That day, I learned a valuable lesson – relationships work the same way regardless of the genders of the parties involved. There’s the same love, joy, affection, disagreements, insecurity, and jealousy. It was my first real step toward open-mindedness.
Beyond the difference in our gender identification/preference, we’re the same.
To be open-minded, we only need to extend this concept to include beliefs, preferences, religions, and cultures, etc. Underneath all these differences, we’re humans who feel pain, think, love and laugh. We all deserve love and respect.
Being openminded doesn’t mean I’ll have to accept ideas I don’t agree with, it means accepting that everyone has their set of thoughts and respecting them. It’ll create a kinder environment that is truly tolerant of differences.
#2 Everyone’s entitled to an opinion
I’m pretty opinionated for the most part. Sometimes, I’ll come across a post online I disagree with and feel obliged to make my stand known. You know, so I can help them see things from my point of view?
As I got older, I realized how self-centered that is. Everyone’s entitled to an opinion, what made me think that my way of thinking is right? Even if I’m certain that I’m right, why do I think I need to make people see my point of view when I don’t agree with theirs? They obviously don’t think the same way.
Leave your opinion respectfully, or discuss a point of view objectively, but don’t try to change someone’s mind – it usually results in heartbreak. Everyone’s entitled to an opinion, and everyone’s opinions are shaped by a million things. It’s complicated and we shouldn’t presume to know what someone’s thinking about.
#3 Give them the benefit of the doubt
I LOVE written communication. In fact, I always prefer texting over talking on the phone to someone. It allows me to think through my replies because I’m not an eloquent person, and my tone control sucks – it’s just flat. I NEED my emoticons and exclamation marks!
But the problem with written communication is also that: you can’t hear a person’s tone or see someone’s expressions. It can be easy for someone to be misunderstood, especially if that person doesn’t have such a strong grasp of the language, or if you don’t know that person very well.
In fact, miscommunication can happen in face-to-face interactions too. Some people aren’t as perceptive with their word choices. While others aren’t as sensitive to other peoples’ emotions. Sometimes, someone who’s rude or short-tempered may just have had a bad day, or too many bad human interactions.
When in doubt about someone’s intention or attitude, I find that it’s kinder to remain neutral. They don’t always mean harm, most comments aren’t intentionally offensive. And if they do mean harm, responding to them only invites trouble into your life!
Besides, why do we have to be rude just because someone’s rude to us?
#4 Choose your words wisely
The older I got, the more I watched my words. Words can cut, instigate, influence, anger, and divide. Words, as innocent as they look, are powerful as hell.
Politicians choose words that make you feel. Advertisers craft marketing pitches to make you want. Teachers use words to help you understand. The words we use affect how people respond to us. The words we choose to say can hurt someone or make someone’s day.
How do we watch our words? Just put ourselves on the receiving end of the words. Are they respectful and kind? And always err on the side of caution. Or abide by this saying, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything.”
If you absolutely have to say something that’s not-that-nice (perhaps your opinions have been sought), be gentle and considerate and soften it with humor.
I’m not the kindest soul around and I do hurt people with my words, so I apologize to them afterward. I know apologies aren’t as good as not hurting someone… I have much to learn yet!
#5 We don’t have to be right all the time
All of us were conditioned to do the right things and have the right answers all our lives. But it’s not necessarily a good thing. We just can’t be right all the time, especially when what’s right changes when you ask different people.
For example, I think the protestors in Hong Kong are right. Some people in my circle think the protestors are wrong. That’s because democracy is important to me but a stable economy takes precedence for them. They also didn’t read the things I’ve read that made me support the protests.
What’s right to a person depends on what’s important to him/her and what he/she is exposed to.
When we think we’re right, we become defensive and divisive. People become either on your side or on the opposite side. Does it create an exchange of ideas? Not necessarily. Most of the time, it only creates disharmony. On the other hand, if we drop the need to be right, that’s when we become more receptive to ideas.
Also, when we realize we’re wrong about something, most of us feel hurt and even a little shame. That’s the same emotions your “opponent” will feel if you prove them wrong in an argument. If me being right meant someone will feel shitty, is it still worth the argument?
We don’t have to be right all the time. By remembering that, we’re not only kinder to others when they make mistakes, but we’re also kinder to ourselves when we do.
#6 It’s kinder to yourself if you don’t argue with an offensive person
Arguing with an offensive person is a waste of your energy. When someone is defensive, it’s already hard to change that person’s mind. When someone’s offensive, it becomes impossible.
You may feel tempted to fight with that person, but it’s sometimes kinder to just walk away and leave the scene or comment.
It may seem like I’m a pushover, but I’m not. I just love my peace more than my need to assert an opinion. Not disproving someone’s point of view doesn’t mean you’re giving up on yours. And always remember, they’re entitled to an opinion too.
As 2019 draws to a close and we face a new year, I hope we remember to keep peace and compassion the priority. When we’re prone to being upset with one another, we’ll simply become more divided and volatile.
Kindness matters. It preserves peace and brings people together. What’s better? It’s also infectious.
What do you think of these mind tricks? Do you already do some of them? Let me know!
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I love this post so much! You’re right, kindness is SO much more than just opening doors and being polite (though it is very nice when a person opens or holds a door open for me!). It’s about how you express yourself or handle a situation with another person. Even though I’m trying to be more out-spoken and brave, I purposely do not bring up politics around certain family members, because I don’t want to ruin a get together (even though certain family members are already making the party awkward by bringing it up in general!). I think there’s a kindness to saving everyone from a heated family debate, haha. But being open-minded and inclusive is the most important, I think (in my opinion). To show a person that you’re not judging them or their beliefs can be the greatest gift of kindness you can give them.
This was a beautiful and important post and perfect food for thought around the holidays and for the new year too!
Emily | https://www.thatweirdgirllife.com
There is kindness in saving everyone from a heated family debate! What fun is there if a family gathering turns into a divided argument? I particularly hate that the differences in opinions create so much discord in the population. It’s a shame. There’s a lot more potential for good when people come together to celebrate differences rather than fight over them. There’s beauty in understanding! Now that I see how politicians and countries use different views to divide the people to their advantage, it irks me even more. Thankfully, people like you exist! Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂 I’m glad you understand!