Our Faces As Armor

Back home in Singapore. I went to the gym with my sister the other day, a fish out of water.

I looked around at the equipment, a wave of confusion and self-consciousness washing over me. What do I do now? So I walked toward the easiest equipment, the stationery bike – is that even what it’s called? – and started pedaling away.

My expression was a stony mask. I wasn’t smiling. And as I pedaled I mulled over it. Why do I protect myself with a bitch face when I’m insecure? Then I looked around and wondered how many of the unfriendly faces are actually insecure ones.

Maybe that’s why we see so many unfriendly faces on the trains and in the streets. They’re filled with sad and scared people.

I used to be bullied as a child. As a child, I often felt an overwhelming sense of insecurity, like a cloud of gnats surrounding me everywhere I go. The fear might have shown on my face, for there are a couple of kids who liked to pick on me, one of them would pinch me, so I went home with bruises on my shin.

It was low-grade bullying, but somehow I learnt. Over the years, I shaped my behavior and expression into an unfriendly one rather than a confused and frightened one. I only realized I was doing this when I looked back.

I stopped getting bullied, so it must have worked.

Now, looking around me, I wonder how many of us look unfriendly because we’re trying to protect ourselves. There’s a saying that, once you know someone’s story, you can never hate that person. I think it’s right.

Why do we, as a society, tend to hide behind unfriendly faces?

I think that’s how we’ve learnt to protect ourselves. I can’t change that, but it reminds me to not judge people by how they look, and

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Philo

Of course, I need to watch my own expression too. I have since replaced the bitch face with what I think is quiet confidence. I’m no actress and I’m not sure my facial muscles convey that, but I think I’m doing okay because I have been making friends.

When I’m really uncomfortable, like when I was at the gym, it still comes up. So I’ll fight the bitch face, and allow a little confusion to show. Maybe what the society needs is people more willing to show their vulnerability. I don’t know. All I know is I don’t want to add to the frowny faces of the cities.

After all, I prefer kind faces to unfriendly ones.

What about you? Do you use your expression to guard yourself?