Please Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

A disclaimer, this isn’t a post to disparage my mom. It’s meant to be a cautionary tale to other parents – don’t compare your child to others. If you don’t have a child, I hope you’re not comparing yourself to others.

Don’t get me wrong, mom loves me and dotes on me. She simply can’t help comparing me with other daughters. One day, I broke down in tears and retorted. I don’t remember what I said, but it was probably like, “if she’s so good, why don’t you make her your daughter?”

Since then, she cut back on the comparisons, but she still throws in a compliment about another daughter every now and then. The compliments are always about a female. Never a male. Successful sons aren’t relevant to me.

Now, not being a mother, I know nothing about bringing up kids, but I know getting compared is bad for me. Yet, it’s definitely not her fault.

Mom compares because my grandmother did it to her. My grandma taught her that comparison helps us learn from others and become better people. It’s a perfectly good intention, and that’s the intention my mom harbors when she compares me to others. And I, in turn, compare myself to my peers.

Then again, I probably would’ve done the comparisons myself even if she had refrained from doing it—most people compare themselves to others.

To someone with low self-esteem, getting compared never stirs my competitive spirits. It simply confirms my perception that I’m not good enough.

I used to fall into the murky pool of self-loathing back when I’ve been out-compared, which is all the time. Thankfully, after decades of self-loathing, I’ve resolved to self-accept. Turns out it’s possible to get sick of hating yourself after all.

These days, I don’t get as mad and disgusted by myself. It’s a step in the right direction. All I want is to be comfortable with the way I am. What does comparing a child or yourself or anyone to others do, really?

---

What does comparing yourself to others do?

Comparison achieves little if anything

If getting compared to others helps me to become a better person, I’d be a successful person by now. I know I’m not capable. And I know it better than everyone else, I know what I can’t do better than anyone else because I constantly dwell on it. Yes, this girl is bold, that girl is resourceful. Can I be bold and resourceful just by knowing they are? Not really.

It’s true that you can learn to improve what you’re doing by looking at what someone else is doing, but you should only take the pointers, not make the comparison. Teach your child (or yourself) what they (you) can do, not how well some other person is doing.

Comparison creates dissatisfaction, obviously

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

I can’t remember how many times I’ve suffered that pang of disappointment in myself when I hear about a successful daughter. Even when I am proud of my thought processes and progresses, when a better, more capable daughter with higher earning power comes along, my satisfaction shatters. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Like it or not, there’ll always be a “better”, more capable person out there. If you turn comparison into a habit for your child or yourself, you’re bound to always be dissatisfied with yourself to some extent.

Comparison is groundless

You can’t compare the rose with the wildflowers, or the rabbit with the turtle. Can you say the orange tastes better than the apple? They have different flavor profiles. We’re all born with different personalities and different circumstances. It’s illogical to expect everyone to perform the same way.

Comparison worsens low self-esteem

When I was a kid, watching other kids in a competition, I’d get so bitter and I’d think I can do better than them. (Yeah, grace is never one of my virtue.) I could never just enjoy the show and be entertained because I instinctively compare myself with them. The bitterness is born of jealousy.

I confirm my own beliefs that I’m not good enough when I compare myself with someone more capable. Instead of accepting that I have a different set of qualities and problems, I jump straight into what I lack. This prevents me from appreciating what I have and how I am.

Ever since I got old enough to see that someone else is better than me, I’ve felt inferior unless I come across someone in a worse situation, in that case, there’s a sense of camaraderie, which brings me to the last problem.

Comparison is not compassionate or gracious

What are you doing when you compare? How are you supposed to feel when you come out on top? Are we supposed to feel better when someone else isn’t doing as well?

When we’re comparing ourselves to others, we’re basically hoping to be better than others. Is the satisfaction from being “better” than someone else a healthy satisfaction? Not at all, it’s mean, even. No one’s better than anyone. We’re all struggling in one way or another.

There’s a reason I’m not good at something, and comparison often rubs my face into what I already know I’m not as good in. Maybe it motivates some people to do better, but motivation can come from healthier places, like inspiration.

When we’re comparing, we’re always viewing someone’s success in relation to ourselves, so we put ourselves in the middle of everything.

I tend to compare myself with any capable woman I hear about. Most of the time, I’ll feel a stab of acidic disappointment in myself. Myself, myself – I’ve put myself in the center of everything. Tsk tsk. Ungracious. So ungracious.

It’s hard to be genuinely happy or sorry for someone if we’re prone to comparison. Our joy for someone better will always be tainted with jealousy or envy.

---

There’s no better or worse

I wish my grandmother didn’t compare my mom with someone else, but it’s probably what her mom taught her. I can see the effects on my mom. She’s constantly trying to be perfect, to be better, and I feel sorry for her because that’s tiring. I think part of her is still trying to meet my grandma’s expectations, even though my grandma died more than 10 years ago.

Even though mom loves me, she compares me to others. I don’t blame her. How can she not, when that’s what she’s been brought up to do? She finds it hard to tell her friends what I’m doing because I’m strange and unemployed. I feel bad for her, but I’m not about to change who I am. Well, not like I can.

I’ll never be the daughter she wants – a stable, strong and financially robust person (thankfully, she loves me anyway). I’m sensitive, introspective and want little to my name, so I’m not built to climb the corporate ladder. I like to think that I’ve jumped right over the formalities of life into its core issues.

In other words, I simply have a different development arc, and that’s neither better nor worse than anyone else. It’s just… different.

At the end of the day, it’s all about self-acceptance.

Perhaps you compare too, especially when you’re scrolling through social media and seeing the happy pictures of relatives and friends at their fancy dinners or expensive holiday trips. I hope you’ll remember that comparison brings you more harm than good, and not do it.

And if your parents too, compare you with someone else, I hope you’ll understand that it problem comes from a place of love, and remember this.

You became the way you are because of a combination of your personality and circumstances. We’re all on different paths, we carry different baggage and want different things, but there are things we can all do, and that’s to count our blessings, smell the flowers and accept ourselves.

Whether someone else is happy with us or not, we have no control.

To wrap it up

If you find yourself comparing yourself or your child or even your spouse to others, I hope you’ll refrain from doing that. I hope you’ll be kind to your loved ones and yourself – like your loved ones as they are, and yourself as you are.