Random Rambles: I’m Scared of Not Living

I’m scared of not living. In reference to this quote.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”Oscar Wilde

It’s raining, and the sun is out. I’m in my summer clothes with the fan on, thinking about life, watching the rain falling from a bright sky. Did you hear about the coronavirus that resulted in the quarantine of the Chinese city of Wuhan?

To a layman who knows nothing about viruses and epidemiology, that virus seemed to have emerged from out of thin air. I’m waiting to see what will happen next, especially after Chinese nationals return to Singapore after their visits back home.

In Singapore, students, teachers, and healthcare workers who have traveled to China need to take a leave of absence for 14 days as a safety measure. Will the outbreak get bad here? Who knows.

The majority of the infected recovers from it, but some would die. For those who died, I’m sure they didn’t see that coming. Life is reasonably predictable, but sometimes, shit happens.

Beyond exercising my social responsibility to maintain personal hygiene in public places and stay at home when I’m unwell, I’m not worried about it. But it did remind me that my life can end quickly.

Well, cars, falls, unhealthy hearts and influenza viruses kill too.

All I’m saying is, we don’t know how much time we have. So I’m a firm believer that we should live a life genuine to ourselves because life is precious. Though I respect other beliefs, I don’t believe in an afterlife. I think heaven is a place on earth, so is hell.

Let our mortality move us toward a life genuine to us.

Being back in Singapore and out of my hermit dwelling, I’m reminded that society is fear-based in general and probably has always been.

Like all city-dwelling population, everyone seems deadset on one type of life – the regular job life. Not a lot of people enjoy working, but people judge you based on your employment anyway. Your job determines your worth unless you’re a homemaker or a retiree.

As I fall behind on all my targets for January and find myself avoiding conversation windows with relatives during my Chinese New Year visits (so what are you doing for a living?), I’m sorely tempted to leave it all behind and get a regular job. Yes, I’m embarrassed.

Then things happen and remind me of my mortality, that I’m going to die one day and I don’t know how soon it’ll be. Maybe I’ll die tonight in my sleep, maybe I’ll live to a ripe age as my grandmother did. Do I want to spend my life avoiding negative consequences? Or do I want to spend it building something I’m interested in?

Imagine life as a game of darts.

Many of us do things to avoid negative situations. That’s like trying to avoid shooting outside the target board. You achieve something, sure, but it’s not what you want.

When we shift our mindset from fear-avoidant to goal-oriented, we’re aiming for the target. Even if we miss, we’ll probably be closer to the center than if we merely avoid shooting outside the target board. Right?

The thing is, it takes a lot of courage for someone who doesn’t have a lot of resources to take on the goal-oriented mindset. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn’t even try, that I’m not qualified to, even though I’m in a good position to give it a shot since I don’t have kids and commitments. Still, it scares me to pursue this path. It scares me so much.

But there’s something I’m even more scared of.

I’m scared of not living.

To clarify, I’m not afraid of dying (at least I don’t think I am), I’m afraid of merely existing.

Back to Oscar Wilde’s quote. To me, “to live” is to live a life genuine to my values and what I believe in. Its definition differs for everyone, and I think everyone should find out what “to live” means to them.

What does “to live” mean to you?

So I’ll continue on this path for a little longer, and give freelance writing a real try. Besides, it’s difficult for me to find employment. I lack retail skills and most of my work experience was in retinal assessment, a very niche area. My previous workplace never provided me with certification.

I’m hoping that desperation makes for great motivation.

Thank you for reading my rambles. I hope you’ll live well and genuinely.

If you have any tips, will you leave me a comment? Do you think I’m qualified to give freelance writing a try? Are you pursuing a slightly different path from others? Did you make it? I’d love to hear all about it.