TDML: Breaking Negative Associations With My Name

Identity begins when a parent names a child. Friendships often begin with exchanging names. School starts with the enrollment of your name. Teachers single you out to answer questions with your name.

Later on, your job begins with your name on an application, then a self-introduction. Your responsibilities are tied to your name: Julie Xu, (insert job title). From then on, a boss can task you shitty assignments. A name sticks with you, whether in success, mediocrity or notoriety.

A name has such a huge significance in our life, it’s the bridge to society. But I hated telling people my name. Until recently, I didn’t know why.

I thought I’ll only become comfortable with my name when it’s engraved onto a stone, after I died. To explain why, I’ll have to take you on a trip down memory lane…

The Trouble With A Romanized Name

Telling people my name has always made me uncomfortable.

I didn’t always call myself Julie. Most of my life, I went by my Chinese name spelled in Hanyu Pinyin, which is the official romanization system for Standard Chinese.

As a child, I associated my discomfort with not knowing how to introduce my romanized Chinese name to a class conducted in English.

Should I make it sound English? That would make my name sound like awful! Should I say my name the right way – in mandarin? Then again, how do I fit Chinese words into an English sentence?

Negative Associations With My Name

I know, I think too much – little things like that bothered me to no end. It’s because I’m an introvert with social anxiety. Self-introduction would’ve made me feel uncomfortable whatever name I had, because it places too much attention on me.

Of course, I didn’t understand that back then. I blamed myself for being awkward, stupid and fearful instead.

Apart from the nasty feelings, I also knew what telling someone my name entails – social interactions, responsibilities, the teacher’s attention and the need to speak in front of the glass. I hated all of that.

Saying my name, to me, is like announcing my presence to the world, an invitation to connect. Ugh. No thanks.

So those were the sort of associations I established with my name. A bunch of confusion, anxiety, fear, insecurity and responsibility. I never outgrew it. For most of my life, it symbolized a bridge to society I longed to burn.

I couldn’t wear my name proudly at work. I didn’t mind working. In fact, I’m a hard-worker, but I absolutely detest the exposure. A name meant a title, and that meant answering to people. It made me feel vulnerable and open to attacks. Perhaps I simply don’t trust my abilities. (If you know what I mean, please leave me a comment.)

That was the story of my relationship with my name. A lifetime of negative association. All my life, my instinct is to hide it. If I met you for the first time, I won’t tell you my name if I could help it.

Building New Associations With My Name

So starting my blog and being on medium was really out of character for me. Though I didn’t use my Chinese name, “Julie” is the name I chose to go by both in life and online.

I have to admit, I would’ve gone with a fake name if I could decide on one! I’m glad I used my real name, it turned out to be the right choice.

With the blog, Medium and my desperate attempts to get more followers on twitter, I’ve literally been shouting my name to the world!

I tell myself it’s for the sake of my livelihood. So I ignored the feeling of exposure and the desire to crawl back beneath the shadows of my hermit dwelling.

You know what? I’m slowly getting used to it!

Through writing and posting on my blog and medium, I’m seeing my identity take shape in the form of words. Like every introvert out there, my mind has always been filled with more ideas and opinions than I could ever express.

The ability to write about different topics and posting it on the internet offers me an ideal outlet to express myself. I can hide behind a screen, yet bare my heart to the world in topics as multi-faceted as I am. All written and signed off by yours truly.

Suddenly, my name is no longer only associated with responsibilities and unwanted attention.

Finally, my name is associated with things I believe in, and ideas carefully composed into little “essays”. I have to say, there’s a little pride involved.

It helps that I can socialize without having the awkward “hi, my name is…” conversation. I socialize on Twitter and through comments on my blog and Medium posts. My written words introduce me, not awkward, poorly executed spoken words often tripped up by nerves.

Anxious Introvert Uses Her Name

For the first time in my life, I’m not just the girl who wants to hide from the world, I’m a person with a voice and a name I’m okay to stand by.

I can’t say I’m totally comfortable and I’ll probably never “brand” my name, but I have come a long way. I’ve built better associations with my name.

Our name so often represents us. Yes, you can always change your name, or use an alias. But for most of us, it’s as tied to us as our shadow – the only thing that sticks around from birth to death.

I’m glad that I won’t be spending the rest of my life feeling awkward about my name and waiting to be done with it.

I’ve unexpectedly, fortunately, belatedly, and thankfully, grown into my name.